W.H. Wills , The Natural History of Courtship"The Rationale of Match-making"Punch (1842)

Transcribed from pages 25-26 of the original 1842 publication of Punch.

The genius who would indite a poem on Salisbury Plain, and forget to mention Stonehenge — the manager who might cause "Hamlet" to be performed, and inadvertently omit to bring forward the Prince of Denmark a Bréguet or a Barwise, who should turn a watch out of hand in a state of exquisite completeness, all but the main-spring — deserves, I am told, no greater ridicule than he who, in particularizing the "Implements of Courtship," leaves out its busiest agent; in many instances its primum mobile — Match-making.

First on the list of match-makers is the undisguised professor of the art, whom Fashion, borrowing a sly hint from Satire, has named the "Chaperon" — that is to say, the hood, the blind, the blinker, the masked-battery from behind which Beauty discharges her arrows. She is, in most cases, a widow, having accumulated a large experience in love affairs during the "getting off" all her own daughters; in which she has admirably succeeded. Match-making has consequently become her passion — the grand excitement of existence — what hazard is to the gamester. She cannot live without it, and therefore becomes matrimonial agent to less experienced mothers, who are blessed with daughters to be "provided for."

Out of the legion of this class I could name, the Honourable Mrs. Couple takes unquestionably the foremost place, from her unmatched proficiency in matrimonial strategetics. I happened to be her partner the other evening, at the Watertons', in a rubber. Playing at whist is, with her, all a pretence; other people play for amusement, she shuffles and cuts upon business. The stakes, nominally, were half-a-crown points, — really her venture was one of our adversaries himself — a rich young baronet! She opens the game at the very first deal, thus: —

"It really is kind of you, Sir Charles, to settle down to whist, while the attractions in the ball-room are so far superior; where —"

"Hearts are trumps, I think," interrupted Sir Charles's partner.

"No, diamonds. I have heard immense things of your waltzing, Sir Charles. My young friend, Miss Rose Robinson, is also a lovely danseuse — (my play— a thousand pardons). By-the-bye, Mr. Buss, what has become of your friend, Mr. Kennedy?"

"Five minutes ago I saw him dancing with the lady you mention," I replied.

"Well," responded Mrs. Couple, looking straight at the baronet to watch the effect of her words, "I must say they are an extremely handsome couple."

Sir Charles Simper looked up, bit his lip, and lost three tricks by a revoke!

The lady's point was gained — her game so far won. Rose Robinson had excited an interest in Sir Charles; a foundation did exist for the superstructure of maneuvering by which she intended to complete the match. His emotion on her mentioning the name of another in the same breath with Rose's was conclusive.

Meanwhile Miss Robinson, who in the last chapter was in doubt how to act concerning certain billets, was, when our whist party broke up, waltzing right furiously with their author, Mr. Frank Kennedy. An ordinary chaperon would have swooned at the inauspicious sight; but Mrs. Couple knew better; her experience told her that for fanning the slow burning flame of a doubtful or recently kindled passion there is nothing so effectual as a rival. She was right. Sir Charles claimed Rose's hand for the next dance, and seemed very unwilling to resign it to a new partner.

Those who compose the second class, become match-makers entirely from a spirit — said to be peculiarly strong in the fair sex — of mischief; from feeling that mitigation of suffering, or increase of happiness which is experienced by getting other people into the same scrape they find themselves in; from, in short, longing to see their femme sole friends married as well as themselves. This desire appears to take the fastest hold in wives whose matrimonial age amounts to from one to three years — for example —:

Pelham Plumer, who, as he has often declared to me, met Miss Murray by the merest accident in life, will be extremely astonished, if he sees these papers, and learns that the whole accident was an affaire arrangée, got up under the able management of the damsel's married cousin, in manner following: — One evening Mrs. Keppel met Plumer at a party, was struck with the extreme neatness of his dress, the precision of his demeanour, and the very comfortable-in-circumstances aspect of his whole appearance. She at once decided that he would make an unexceptionable husband for her cousin and confidante Maria Murray.

In a few days, the spinster, then at Brighton, received a letter from Mrs. Keppel, to which a postscript was appended to the effect that — "Talking of men, an exceedingly grave good-looking personage appeared at the S—'s last night, whom I ascertained holds a superior office in the Treasury (say seven hundred a year). He resides at Mrs. Scraper's Boarding-house in our Square, and walks in the enclosure every morning from nine till ten. I shall certainly get him into our set, if, dearest Maria, you will come and spend the next month with us."

One of the results of this intimation, our readers know; another was, that in the fourth of the morning walks — by which time the eye-conversation had been carried to its utmost limits — Mrs. Keppel accompanied her cousin, and claimed acquaintance with Plumer upon the strength of having met him once at the S—'s. A speaking connaissance was thus established between Pelham and the young lady from Brighton, which promised to be a lasting one; for, true to her word, Mrs. Keppel asked him to her next soirée.

A third kind of match-making, is that negociated between the Court and the City — between rank and riches — between the coronet and the counter. Electioneering, or some other expensive amusement, has driven the Earl of Lumberton frequently to Lombard-street. Amongst our City news, he hears of a rich heiress or a passée widow with "a plum." An introduction is speedily procured for his eldest son, Lord Tom, a dashing fellow, who receives orders to make love to the fortune. All is soon arranged, and in a month or two, the whole catastrophe appears in the Morning Post, under the head of "A Marriage in High Life." When city fortunes are very immense indeed, they become celebrated, and are spoken of in the same terms one mentions the Arcot Diamond or the Duke of Northumberland. Royalty itself has interfered in such cases. A Duke and a banker's widow have, before now, been united by sovereign agency; so that match-making is not so ignoble an employment after all!

A purely city match comes next. The fathers are the match-makers and the courtship is carried on by means of bankers' cheques and ledgers. George Bacon must "have" Mary Hammon, because both their parents are provision-dealers, so that the business connexions may be joined as well as the young people; —that is to say, if the money accounts can be satisfactorily adjusted. "These kind of people," says the Baron Moratin, "take a pen, and make out on a sheet of paper, a statement of the property. Four and two make six; eight and seven make fifteen; add so much, deduct so much, and there remains so much. They cast up the account at the foot of the page, and, according to its total amount, so there is, or is not — a marriage."

This is also the case with many "county" matches; but, instead of employing accountants in this instance, land-surveyors are called on; and, upon their report, the "happy event" is made to depend.